Love is a tool for revolutionary change and a path toward inclusivity and understanding for the LGBTQ+ community. Married activists Tiq and Kim Katrin Milan have imagined their marriage — as a transgender man and cis woman — a model of possibility for people of every kind. With infectious joy, Tiq and Kim question our misconceptions about who they might be and offer a vision of an inclusive, challenging love that grows day by day.


結婚した活動家のTiqとKim Katrin Milanは、自分たちの結婚を、トランスジェンダー男性とシス女性として、あらゆる人々に可能性のモデルとして想像しています。彼らの感染力のある喜びで、TiqとKimは、私たちが彼らがどのような人々であるかについての誤解を問いかけ、日々成長する包括的で挑戦的な愛のビジョンを提供しています。

A queer vision of love and marriage
スピーカー ティク・ミラン,キム・カトリン・ミラン
アップロード 2017/01/05

「愛と結婚についての奇妙なビジョン(A queer vision of love and marriage)」の文字起こし

Tiq Milan: Our first conversation was on Facebook, and it was three days long. We shared over 3,000 messages between us, and it was during those 72 hours that I knew she was going to be my wife. We didn’t wait any prerequisite amount of time for our courtship; we told each other the vulnerable truths up front: I am a transgender man, which means the F on my birth certificate should have stood for “False,” instead of “Female.”

Walking around as a woman in the world felt like walking with pebbles in my shoes. It took the rhythm out of my swagger, it threw me off balance, it pained me with every step I took forward. But today I’m a man of my own intention; a man of my own design.

Kim Katrin Milan: I am a cisgender queer woman. Cisgender means the gender I was assigned at birth is still and has always been female. This doesn’t make me natural or normal, this is just one way of describing the many different ways that we exist in this world. And queer is a cultural term, but in this case, it refers to the way that I’m not restricted by gender when it comes to choosing partners. I’ve identified in a few different ways — as a bisexual, as a lesbian — but for me, queerness encompasses all of the layers of who I am and how I’ve loved. I’m layers, and not fractions.

And for me, the fact that he was queer meant that I could trust his courtship from the very beginning. As queer and trans people, we’re so often excluded from institutions and traditions. We create spaces outside of convention, including the conventions of time. And in those 3,000 messages between us, we collapsed time; we queered it; we laid it all on the table.

With no pretense at all. And this meant that we were able to commit to each other in a profoundly different way. So often what we’re told is this idea of the “Golden Rule,” that we should treat other people the way we want to be treated. But the problem with that is that it assumes that we are the standard for other people, and we’re not. We need to treat other people the way they want to be treated, which means we had to ask.

I couldn’t assume that the kind of love that Tiq needed was the same kind of love that I needed. So I asked him everything — about his fears, his insecurities — and we started from there.

TM: I didn’t know what kind of love I needed. I had just come out of a year-long fog of being rejected and utterly depleted. I had someone look me in my eyes and tell me that I was unworthy of their love because I was trans. And there’s a culture of lovelessness that we’ve created around transgender people. It’s reasoned, justified and often signed into law. And I was a heartbeat away from internalizing that message, that I wasn’t worthy. But Kim said that I was her ideal — the heartbroken mess that I was.

KKM: He totally was my ideal. In more ways than one. Both poets, writers, creatives with a long history of community work behind us, and big, huge dreams of a family in front of us, we shared a lot of things in common, but we were also incredibly different. I’ve been a lifelong traveler and a bit of an orphan, whereas he comes from a huge family, and definitely stays grounded. I often kind of sum up the differences in our strengths by saying, “Keep me safe, and I’ll keep you wild.”

TM: We have marginalized identities but we don’t live marginalized lives. Being queer and trans is about creating new ways of existing. It’s about loving people as they are, not as they’re supposed to be. Kim is unapologetically feminine in a world that is often cruel and violent to women who are too proud and too freeing. And I didn’t enter into this union under the auspices that she was going to be my helper or my rib, but a fully complex —

KKM: Right? That’s not right.

TM: But a fully complex human being whose femininity wasn’t for me to rein in, control or critique. It’s her brilliance, the way she leads with compassion, and how she never loses sight of her empathy. She has been my hero since day one.

KKM: Our relationship has always been about setting each other free. One of the first questions I asked him was what dreams he had left to accomplish, and how would I help him get there. His dreams to live as a poet, to adopt and raise a family together, to live a life that he was proud of, and one that would live up to his mother’s incredible legacy. And I really appreciated that we were able to start from that place, and not from a place that was around figuring out how to make each other work together. And I think this really allowed us to grow into the people that we were in a way that was incredibly different. I love him whole; pre-transition, now and in the future. And it’s this love that had us committed to each other before we’d even seen each other’s faces.

TM: My mother’s biggest concern when I transitioned was who was going to love me as I am. Had being transgender somehow precluded me from love and monogamy because I was supposedly born in the wrong body? But it’s this type of structuring that has to be reframed in order to let love in. My body never betrayed me, and my body was never wrong. It’s this restrictive, binary thinking on gender that said that I didn’t exist. But when we met, she loved me for exactly how I showed up. She would trace her fingers along the numb keloid scars left by my top surgery. Scars that run from the middle of my chest all the way out to my outer torso. She said that these were reminders of my strength and everything that I went through and nothing for me to be ashamed of. So sprinting towards her hand in marriage was the queerest thing that I could do.

It flew in the face of more conventional trajectories of love and relationships, because God was never supposed to bless a union for folks like us, and the law was never supposed to recognize it.

KKM: So on May 5, 2014, just about three months after meeting online, we were married on the steps of City Hall in Manhattan, and it was beautiful in every conceivable way. It’s safe to say that we reimagined some traditions, but we also kept some old ones that we worked in, and we created something that worked for us. My bouquet and corsage was actually filled with wildflowers from Brooklyn — also added in a little bit of lavender and sage to keep us grounded because we were so nervous. And it was put together by a sweet sister healer friend of ours. I never wanted a diamond ring, because conflict and convention are not my thing, so my ring is the deepest purple, like the color of my crown chakra, and set in place with my birthstones. The gift of queerness is options. I never had to choose his last name, it was never an exception, but I did because I am my father’s bastard child, someone who has always been an apology, a secret, an imposition. And it was incredibly freeing to choose the name of a man who chose me first.

TM: So we told some family and some close friends, many of whom were still in disbelief as we took our vows. Fittingly, we posted all of our wedding photos on Facebook, where we met — and Instagram, of course. And we quickly realized that our coming together was more than just a union of two people, but was a model of possibility for the millions of LGBTQ folks who have been sold this lie that family and matrimony is antithetical to who they are — for those of us who rarely get to see ourselves reflected in love and happiness.

KKM: And the thing is, absolutely we are marginalized because of our identities, but it also emboldens us to be the people that we are. Queerness is our major key; blackness is our magic. It’s because of these things that we are able to be hopeful, open, receptive and shape-shifting. These are the things that give us, and are such an incredible source of, our strength. Our queerness is a source of that strength. I think of the words of Ottawa-based poet Brandon Wint: “Not queer like gay; queer like escaping definition. Queer like some sort of fluidity and limitlessness all at once. Queer like a freedom too strange to be conquered. Queer like the fearlessness to imagine what love can look like, and to pursue it.”

TM: We are part of a community of folks — Yeah, that’s good right?

We are part of a community of folks who are living their authentic selves all along the gender spectrum, despite the ubiquitous threat of violence, despite the undercurrent of anxiety that always is present for people who live on their own terms. Globally, a transgender person is murdered every 21 hours. And the United States has had more trans murders on record this year than any year to date. However, our stories are much more than this rigid dichotomy of strength and resilience. We are expanding the human complexity on these margins, and we are creating freedom on these margins.

KKM: And we don’t have any blueprints. We’re creating a world that we have literally never seen before; organizing families based on love and not by blood, guiding by a compassion that so few of us have been shown ourselves. So many of us have not received love from our families — have been betrayed by the people that we trust most. So what we do here is we create entirely new languages of love. Ones that are about creating the space for us to be our authentic selves and not imposing this standard of what masculinity or femininity is supposed to be.

TM: We are interested in love and inclusion as a tool of revolutionary change, right? And the idea is simply, if we drop all our preconceived notions about how somebody is supposed to be — in their body, in their gender, in their skin — if we take the intentional steps to unlearn these deep-seated biases and create space for people to be self-determined, and embrace who they are, then we will definitely create a better world than the one we were born into.

KKM: We want to mark this time in history by leaving evidence of the fact that we were here. We open up little windows into our relationship for our community to bear witness, and we do this because we want to make maps to the future and not monuments to ourselves. Our experience does not invalidate other peoples’ experience, but it should and necessarily does complicate this idea of what love and marriage are supposed to be.

TM: OK, now for all the talking, and inspiring, and possibility-modeling we’ve done, we’ve been nowhere near perfect. And we’ve had to hold a mirror up to ourselves. And I saw that I wasn’t always the best listener, and that my ego got in the way of our progress as a couple. And I’ve had to really assess these deep-seated, sexist ideas that I’ve had about the value of a woman’s experience in the world. I’ve had to reevaluate what it means to be in allyship with my wife.

KKM: And I had to remind myself of a lot of things, too. What it means to be hard on the issues, but soft on the person. While we were writing this, we got into a massive fight. For so many different reasons, but based on the content about our values and our lived experiences — and we were really hurt, you know? Because what we do and how we love puts ourselves entirely on the line. But even though the fight lasted over the course of two days —

We were able to come back together to each other, and recommit to ourselves, to each other and to our marriage. And that really yielded some of the most passionate parts of what we share with you here today.

TM: I have had to interrogate masculinity, which I think doesn’t happen enough. I’ve had to interrogate masculinity; the toxic privileges that come with being a man don’t define me, but I have to be accountable for how it shows up in my life every day. I have allowed my wife to do all of the emotional labor of prying open the lines of communication when I’d rather clam up and run away. I’ve stripped away emotional support instead of facing my own vulnerabilities, particularly around the heartbreaking miscarriage we suffered last year, and I’m sorry for that. Sometimes as men, we get to take the easy way out. And so my journey as a trans person is about reimagining masculinity. About creating a manhood that isn’t measured by the power it wields, by the entitlements afforded to it, or any simulacrum of control that it can muster, but works in tandem with femininity, and is guided by my spirit.

KKM: Y’all …

And this has created the space for my femininity to flourish in a way I had never experienced before. He never is threatened by my sexuality, he never polices what I wear or how I act. I cook but he does way more of the cleaning than I do. And when we’re rushing to get out of the house and we have so much to handle, he handles everything, so I have time to do my hair and makeup. He understands that this is my armor, and he never treats femininity as though it is frivolous or superficial, and this, and him — he grows my experience of gender every single day.

TM: I love to watch her get dressed in the morning. Watching her in the closet, looking for something comfortable and colorful, and tight, and safe — But it’s challenging to watch her negotiate her decisions looking for something that’s going to get the least amount of attention, but at the same time be an expression of the vibrant and sexy woman she is. And all I want to do is celebrate her for her beauty, and the things that make her beautiful and special and free, from her long acrylic nails, to her uncompromising black feminism.

KKM: I love you. TM: I love you.

KKM: There are so many queer and trans people who have come before us, whose stories we will never get to hear. We constantly experience this retelling of history where we are conspicuously left out. And it’s really hard to not see ourselves there. And so living out loud for us is about that representation. It’s about having possibility models, and having hope that love is part of our inheritance in this world, too.

TM: The possibility that we are practicing is about reinventing time, love and institutions. We are creating a future of multiplicity. We are expanding the spectrum of gender and sexuality, imagining ourselves into existence, imagining a world where gender is self-determined and not imposed, and where who we are is a kaleidoscope of possibility without the narrow-minded limitations masquerading as science or justice.

KKM: And I can’t lie: it is really, really hard. It is hard to stand in the face of bigotry with an open heart and a smile on my face. It is really hard to face the injustice that exists in the world, while still believing in the ability of people to really change. That takes an enormous amount of faith and dedication. And beyond that, marriage is hard work. Piles of dirty socks on the floor, more boring sports shows than I ever thought possible — And fights that bring me to tears when it feels like we’re not speaking the same language. But there is not a day that goes by where I am not so grateful to be married to this man; where I’m not so grateful for the possibility of changing minds, and rewarding conversations, and creating a world where love belongs to us all. I think about our acronym: LGBTQ2SIA. A seemingly endless evolution of self and a community, but also this really deep desire not to leave anyone behind. We’ve learned how to love each other, and we’ve committed to loving each other throughout changes to gender and changes in spirit. And we learned this love in our chat rooms, in our clubs, in our bars and in our community centers. We’ve learned how to love each other for the long haul.

TM & KKM: Thank you.

「愛と結婚についての奇妙なビジョン(A queer vision of love and marriage)」の和訳









TM: 私たちにはマージナライズされたアイデンティティがありますが、マージナライズされた人生は送りません。クィアでトランスであることは、新しい存在の方法を創造することです。それは人々を彼らがあるべき姿ではなく、彼らがそのままで愛することです。キムは、しばしば残酷で暴力的な世界で、誇り高く自由すぎる女性に対して厳しいものですが、謝ることなく女性らしさを示しています。私がこの結婚に入ったのは、彼女が私の助け手や肋骨になると期待してではなく、完全な複雑な――

KKM: そうでしょう?

TM: しかし、私を抑え込んだり、コントロールしたり、批評したりするためのものではない、完全に複雑な人間であり、彼女の女性らしさは私の手に負えるものではありませんでした。彼女の輝き、彼女が思いやりを持ってリードする方法、そして彼女が共感心を失うことがないこと。彼女は一日目から私のヒーローでした。

KKM: 私たちの関係は常にお互いを自由にすることについてでした。最初に彼に尋ねた質問の一つは、彼が達成したい夢と、それをどうやって手助けするかでした。詩人として生きる夢、一緒に子供を養育する夢、誇りを持って生き、母親の素晴らしい遺産に恥じない生活を送る夢。私たちはその場所から始めることができたことを本当に感謝しています。お互いがどうやって一緒に機能するかを考える場所から始めるのではなく。そして、私たちが信じているのは、これが私たちが信じる方法でお互いにコミットされていることです。私は彼を全体的に愛しています。トランスジェンダーになる前から、今、そして将来も。そして、私たちがお互いの顔を見る前にコミットメントしたのは、この愛があったからです。

TM: 私がトランスジェンダーになったとき、母親の最大の心配は、私を私として愛する人が誰かだった。私が間違った体に生まれたと言われたから、私はいかにしてトランスジェンダーであることが愛と一夫一婦制を排除したのでしょうか?しかし、愛を受け入れるためにはこのような構造を再構築する必要があります。私の体は決して私を裏切ることはありませんでしたし、私の体は決して間違っていませんでした。ジェンダーに関するこの制限的な二元論的思考は、私が存在しないと言ったのです。しかし、私たちが出会ったとき、彼女は私が現れたまさにその通りの私を愛してくれました。彼女は私のトップ手術で残った無感覚なケロイド瘢痕に指をなぞりました。胸の中央から外側の腰まで走る傷跡です。彼女はこれらが私の強さと私が経験したすべてのことのリマインダーであり、私が恥じるものではないと言いました。だから彼女に結婚の手を伸ばしたのは、私ができる最もクィアなことでした。




KKM: ことの本質は、私たちは確かにアイデンティティのためにマージナライズされていますが、それはまた私たちが自分らしくあることを奨励するものでもあります。クィアさが私たちのメインキーであり、黒さが私たちの魔法です。これらのことがあるからこそ、私たちは希望を持ち、オープンで受け入れ、形を変えることができます。これらは私たちに力を与え、そして私たちの強さの信じられないほどの源です。私たちのクィアさがその強さの源です。私はオタワを拠点にする詩人ブランドン・ウィントの言葉を思い出します。「ゲイのようなクィアではなく、定義から逃れるようなクィア。クィアは、ある種の流動性と無限性、すべてが一度にあるようなものです。クィアは、征服されるにはあまりにも奇妙な自由です。クィアは、愛がどのように見えるかを想像し、それを追求する無謀さのようなものです」。

TM: 私たちは、ジェンダースペクトラムを通じて自分らしい人々のコミュニティの一部です。暴力の普遍的な脅威にもかかわらず、自分の条件で生きる人々には常に不安の息吹があります。世界中で、トランスジェンダーの人々が21時間に1人殺害されています。そして、アメリカでは今年、記録されたトランス殺人が過去最多です。しかし、私たちの物語は、この強さと回復力の硬直した二分法よりもはるかに多くのものです。私たちはこれらの端に人間の複雑さを広げており、これらの端に自由を創造しています。

KKM: 私たちは何の設計図も持っていません。私たちは文字通り今までに見たことのない世界を作り出しています。血のつながりではなく愛に基づいて家族を組織し、私たち自身にはほとんど見せられたことのない思いやりによって導かれています。私たちの多くは家族から愛を受け取っておらず、私たちが最も信頼していた人々に裏切られています。だからこそ、私たちがここで行うことは、まったく新しい愛の言語を作り出すことなのです。それは私たちが自分らしくあり、男らしさや女らしさがどのようにあるべきかという基準を押し付けることではありません。

TM: 私たちは、愛と包摂を革命的な変革の道具として興味を持っていますね?そして、単に、誰かがどのようになるべきかについてのあらかじめの考えをすべて捨てるとしたら――彼らの体において、彼らのジェンダーにおいて、彼らの肌において――これらの根深い偏見を学び直し、人々が自己決定的になり、自分らしさを受け入れるためのスペースを作る意図的なステップを踏むならば、私たちは確かに、生まれた世界よりも良い世界を作り出すでしょう。

KKM: 私たちは、私たちがここにいたという事実の証拠を残して、歴史にこの時代を刻みたいと思っています。私たちは私たちの関係についてコミュニティに証人になってもらうために、小さな窓を開け、これをするのは、私たち自身への記念碑ではなく、未来への地図を作りたいからです。私たちの経験は他の人々の経験を無効にするものではありませんが、愛と結婚がどのようになるべきかというこの考えを複雑にするはずですし、必ず複雑にします。

TM: わかった、話すことやインスピレーションを与えること、可能性のモデリングをしたとしても、私たちは完璧ではありませんでした。そして、私たちは自分自身に鏡を向けなければなりませんでした。私は常に最良のリスナーではなかったこと、そして私のエゴが私たちの進歩を阻害していたことを認識しました。そして私は、女性の経験の価値について持っていたこれらの根深い性差別的な考えを本当に評価する必要がありました。私は妻との連携とは何かを再評価する必要がありました。

KKM: 私も自分自身にいくつかのことを思い出さなければなりませんでした。問題に対して厳しくなることと、人に対して柔軟であることの意味。私たちはこれを書いている間に、大きな喧嘩をしました。さまざまな理由で、しかし、私たちの価値観や生活経験に基づいて――そして私たちは本当に傷ついたんだ、わかるでしょう?なぜなら、私たちが何をしているか、そして私たちがどのように愛するかは、私たち自身を完全に危険にさらします。しかし、その喧嘩が2日間にわたって続いたとしても――


TM: 私は男らしさを問い詰める必要があった、これは十分に行われないと思います。私は男らしさを問い詰めなければなりませんでした。男性であることに伴う有毒な特権は私を定義しませんが、それが私の生活にどのように現れるかについては常に責任を負わなければなりません。私は自分がじっとして逃げ出すよりも、コミュニケーションの糸口を開くための感情労働をすべて妻に任せてきました。私は自分自身の脆弱さに直面する代わりに、昨年経験した心を痛める流産について、感情的な支援を剥奪しました。そしてそのことを申し訳なく思います。時には、男性として、私たちは簡単な道を選ぶことができます。ですから、私としてのトランスジェンダーの旅は、男らしさを再構築することです。権力によって測定されるのではなく、それが享受する権利によって、またはそれができる制御の類似物によって、しかし女性性と協力して機能し、私の精神に導かれるものです。

KKM: 皆さん…


TM: 朝、彼女が服を着るのを見るのが大好きなんだ。クローゼットの中で彼女を見て、快適でカラフルで、ぴったりと安全なものを探すのを見るのが。でも彼女が最も注目を浴びないものを見つけようとする決定を交渉するのを見るのは難しい。しかし、同時に、彼女がどれほど活気に満ちてセクシーな女性であるかを表現するものでもあります。私がしたいことは、彼女の美しさを祝福し、彼女を美しく、特別で自由な存在にするもの、彼女の長いアクリルネイルから、曲がらないブラックフェミニズムまで。

KKM: 大好きよ。 TM: 大好きだよ。

KKM: 私たちの前に来た多くのクィアやトランスの人々がいます。私たちが決して聞くことのできない彼らの物語。私たちは、自分たちが目立って排除されている歴史の再構築を絶えず経験しています。私たち自身をそこに見ることができないのは本当に難しいことです。だから、私たちにとって、大声で生きることはその表現についてです。可能性のモデルを持ち、愛もこの世界で私たちの遺産の一部であることを希望しています。

TM: 私たちが実践している可能性は、時間、愛、制度を再発明することです。私たちは多様性の未来を創造しています。私たちはジェンダーやセクシュアリティのスペクトルを拡大し、自己を存在させることを想像し、ジェンダーが自己決定され、押し付けられない世界を想像し、私たちが何者であるかが、科学や正義を装った狭量な制限なしに可能性の万華鏡である世界を想像しています。

KKM: 嘘をつくことはできません:それは本当に、本当に難しいです。偏見に直面して、心を開いて、顔に笑顔を浮かべるのは難しいです。世界に存在する不正義に直面するのは本当に難しいですが、それでも人々が本当に変わる可能性を信じることは難しいです。それには莫大な信念と献身が必要です。それ以上に、結婚は大変な仕事です。床に散らばった汚れた靴下、想像以上に退屈なスポーツ番組――そして、私たちが同じ言葉を話していないように感じるときに涙を流すような喧嘩。でも、私がこの男性と結婚していて感謝しない日はありません。私が心を変える可能性や、報われる会話、愛が私たちすべてに属する世界を作り出すことに対して感謝しない日はありません。私は私たちの頭字語を考えます:LGBTQ2SIA。自己とコミュニティの終わりなき進化、しかし誰も置いて行かないという深い願望もあります。私たちはお互いを愛する方法を学び、性別の変化や精神の変化にも関わらずお互いを愛することを誓いました。そして、私たちはこの愛をチャットルーム、クラブ、バー、コミュニティセンターで学びました。私たちはお互いを長期間愛する方法を学びました。

TM & KKM: ありがとう。